Why I refused to let him stay?

TINA'S JOURNAL

The work day seemed so long - too long really! I was waiting for the night to fall so that I can be with him.

He filled me with a desire I can't put a name to. I have tons of work to finish but I can't bother. I keep reviving the unspeakable things he does to me in bed - while I lay yearning for more.

I hate it when workmates interrupt my day dreaming, or when my boss calls to discuss work - why can't they just leave me alone.

I keep looking at the time and before it's 5, I rush out of the building. I need to go home, do my yoga, make dinner and pamper my face, hair & body so that I can be ready for the long night ahead. 

He arrives. Flooding the room with his alpha male pheromones, making my mind go foggy - my beta instincts going haywire trying to match it's mate.

He grabs me, ever so possessively, as if he owned me and it's such a turn on for me.

He roughens me up with his wild ways and I give in to all his whims.

Murmurs, whispers and whimpers escape my lips, unbidden, in sync to his sweet endearments and dirty talk. 

Vows and promises echoing through the night and way past into the wee hours of early morning.

It wasn't a dream. I opened my eyes and see this magnificent masculine creation, lying spent, next to me. What we shared was surreal and I knew he would be gone in the morning to be with his wife.

I kept looking at him as he slept on and I said a little prayer, for this to never end.  

Did the sun rise up too early? or did I just wake up from a bad dream? Or have I been sleeping all these days?

I don’t know when or how everything had gone so wrong so wrong - it all seems like a bad dream now.

I just can’t help it but hate my life now!

It's only been 2 years and all we do is fight.

It seems to me like he no longer needs me. He almost never visits me if I don't call him up. He never texts me but only to reply. 

It's hard to believe that only a year ago that we were two lovers, who were so intoxicated with each other that we couldn't stay apart for even a fraction of a second. 

And here I am wallowing in self-doubts. 

Maybe I no longer fulfill his purpose. Maybe I'm not attractive enough. Maybe I have been nagging him too much. It goes on!

He says he is awfully busy at work now, and I get to see him once a fortnight and whatever he does in bed feels so perfunctory.

And afterwards he just goes off to sleep. I lie on my side, facing the wall, fighting self-loathe.

I can’t believe I'm staying with that same person now. The same person who couldn't keep his hands off me? He is right here, in the same room, lying next to me, trying to avoid me.  

He must have long forgotten how we used to lie in bed, on the floor, in the bath - everywhere - in each other’s arms, in every nook and corner of this apartment.

And it’s all just a faded memory now.

I turned around to look at him and asked myself is he really worth all this shit!?

I turn my head away cause the sight of him fills me with such a bitterness. Clearly there isn’t any love left in his heart for me anymore.

I threw away the pillow I was hugging and went out to the balcony for a cigarette. As I puffed on it my fingers trembled - I was angry as hell.

I marched right in and shoved him hard to wake him up. We fought like bulls all night - I wanted to end this sorry and sick affair, no matter what!   

He was a pathetic man and a coward - in the end, he chose to be with his wife.

He slammed the door and left my life - just like that!  

I didn’t know whether to be happy or cry. But I cried - a lot!

I needed to get away from it all for a few days - so I packed my bag and went home to my parents. 

My family is my biggest rock, whenever I'm in trouble I can always count on them. 

It felt good to be back with my Mom and Dad and two younger sisters, who were still in college. 

Healing from my wounds took time and strange as it may sound, I missed him too but I never contacted him not even once - I bet he must've found a substitute already!

After sometime I started missing out on work and so I said goodbye to my family and came back to my apartment.

Being back at work felt great after a break - I really needed some action to feel purposeful again. My colleagues and boss complimented on my new zest for work. 

One fine day when I came back from work, I stopped dead in my tracks - he was there, waiting for me, at the parking lot, with that darn smile on his face.

I thought of walking away but when he grabbed me and kissed me like that - I relapsed! 

He was telling me that he had left his wife and that he had been through a terrible time and before I knew it I had invited him in and we ended up in bed.  

It felt so natural to be back with him and he even promised to move in with me in a couple of days. 

There was a politeness now between us. You know, like the kind you show around strangers, in public places. “Oh excuse me” “Oh I’m sorry” and “Oh Thanks”. Like as if we were trying hard not to spoil things again.

He moved in and we promised not to get in each other’s way, especially where his work was concerned.

Things were going ok for sometime and then he started to come home really late at night, only to sleep.  

“Well at least It’s much quieter here!” I tried to reason out to myself in the morning. While I leave to work he is still sleeping.

Half an year had passed and he had avoided talking about divorcing his wife, let alone any talks of marrying me!

He had been staying late for weeks and I had been losing sleep and then when I could take no more of this silence oath, I asked him one night, where had he been to?

And that set off a series of verbal attacks and accusations.  

Anything that was left of us went on deteriorating.

The constant bickering and heated rows had taken away even the tiniest bit of respect we had left for each other - right out the window.

I felt like I was bound with him in chains - I wanted to leave him and this life so badly but I got defeated by myself every single time!

Like it or not it had become a way of life for me.

Soon it had come to a point where none of us bothered to even ask where we were or how our day was! 

I threw myself into work even harder and got promoted at work and that meant more responsibility which in turn made me come home late.

It was like we stopped conversing with each other - then came the phase where we communicated only in text messages.

 

We were like total strangers. 

And one fine day I just had had enough.

So I left him a message - a text, obviously. A notice really, asking him to find a place of his own.

He packed his stuff and texted saying he was waiting to say goodbye.

And I texted back “Should you?”

He left.

I came home and found that he had left just like that. 

I don’t know what came over me but I cried and I even took my phone out to call him but no I told myself I should not.

I still cry over him sometimes and I really don’t know why? Maybe I'm crying for myself, for having let someone fool me and waste so much of my time.

I still think of him and it’s been years since, but I promise myself that I will never, ever, let anyone treat me like I let him.

 

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