From a dairy of a patient battling with depression.
Dreading to go out and face the world - that's how cowardly I have become.
No matter what they say nothing is safe and I feel everybody is out to get me - and that's what I've been telling myself!
Staying in, all holed up, too darned scared to face the mean neighbours lurking about to attack me with their acrid remarks.
It's been days and I look so pale and drawn - my body is losing it's strength.
My money sources are quickly depleting and there are things to be done.
Things I have neglected because of my deep seated depression.
It's a painful thing to be suffering from - something that a normal person could never fathom or comprehend.
I know I need to get out of my head and run far away - but their is nowhere to run and hide!
And it's time I have to believe that I need to seek professional help.
A competent therapist said to me "It's really easy to compare yourself with others - it's a natural thing!"
She added "We see people reaching certain milestones and we ask ourselves:
"Shouldn't I be at the same place?? I mean we both are of the same age but look at me!"
She explained "If you really think about or write down your thought patterns you might find out that this is the point where self doubt sets in!"
I found it all to be so true. You see cause you can't help but feel like a total failure if you have not achieved certain life goals before a set age.
Especially when you think in terms of material success benchmarks set by society, such as; being married before 25 and that too to the most perfect partner on earth, to have multiple degrees, a fine breed of perfect kids, 6 figure salaries, designer clothes, luxury homes and cars.
When we think in such standards it brings out the worst in us - you blame and shame yourself and find that you are full of regrets.
I know all too well that being middle-aged and not having achieved such material success that my same aged people have, can be daunting.
But now whenever I start to get blinded by the bling I tell myself to remember all the crap I had to deal with in life.
For starters I was always misunderstood by my family and even by my closest of friends. I was discriminated and bullied a lot at school due to my shyness and learning difficulties.
I also learned that life can be hard when you are learning to deal with nasty and cruel people and their wicked intentions.
I had to face rejection, heartache and betrayal that messed up my trust in people and set me on a course of self-destruction.
Yet I'm glad I have overcome all those set backs and today I tell myself this was my path - it was meant for me - laid out for me by the highest power.
So I make myself calm and I tell myself to go easy on myself - because this is my destiny and I need to keep on going everyday. And that I will have good days - happy days - bad and sad days too.
That I will keep on meeting good and bad people - and it's totally fine.
And that there's no reason you need to have a specific kind of relationship, job, or income no matter whatever age you may be!
Just remember that we all are on our own path.
I know while some of us are in recovery there are others still dealing with trauma - I send my prayers and love to you.
My therapist concluded "Just remember that we need to keep on going as we continue to improve ourselves regularly and that's all that matters!"
Amen to that and wish you all a Happy New Year 2023.